Really not happy with this, funnily enough. Didn’t give it the time it deserved and had to cut loads (really, really loads) of content because of time constraints (and I was still late!)
-Matthew
So I only really had one idea this week.
It is pants.
Also, I suck at writing “R” backwards obvs!
Lise x
You Look Like Ants From Up Here
Hello, I’m Tom, we’ve probably met.
If you’ve met me, you’ve probably noticed I’m very tall, extremely so. In fact it tend to dominate conversation when I first meet people, so I’ve decided to provide a FAQ. Now next time someone asks me I can just give them the URL:
Q: How tall are you?
A: Six feet five inches, or one hundred ninety eight centimetres.
Q: How did you get to be so tall?
A: “I ate my greens.”
I get this one a lot, I can only imagine it’s people speaking without really thinking it through, because there isn’t really any way I can explain it. At least not without complex genetic analysis. So I usually tell them (especially if they’re young children) that I ae my greens. Or drank a lot of milk, it’s simpler that way.
Q: Are you parents tall?
A: Not really, no, my dad is just under six foot, my mom is fairly tall for a woman, but my ister is tall.
Q: Were you always this tall?
I was always very tall for my age, although I went through spurts and lulls the same as everyone else. When I was younger I was a lot skinnier though, so I was beanpole tall, rather than rugby player tall like I am now.
Q: What’s it like being so tall?
This is a fairly open question, but I get asked it a lot. Seeing as I don’t really have a frame of reference I don’t really know how to respond, but for now I’ll just give you a few insights.
1: Low hanging lights are to be feared and respected.
2: Buying clothes is more about finding ones that fit than ones you like.
3: There are a number of sports you are immediatly considered an asset when playing (Rugby, Basketball, American Football, Real Football)
4: But you’re only marginally more likely to be good than anyone else.
5: You sense of balance will suck (high centre of gravity).
6: Not all doors are built with you in mind.
7: Houses with high ceilings are to be cherished.
8: Your weight will be comparable with shorter people who are overwweight or even obese. Try not to worry about it.
9: You will frequently be asked to get things off high shelves or change light bulbs by small people. Consider turning the tables by asking them to do anything that involves reaching into tight spaces (changing wires behind the TV, etc)
10: Everyone will remember you, even if they’ve only met you once or twice.
That’s all I can think of right away, but if you have any more feel free to ask them in the comments and I’ll answer as best I can.
Nightmares
Parents say many things to their children. Often it’s for their own good, other times it’s just to terrify the little blighters. Why? Probably just for the lulz. There’s a few gathered below.
Always eat your greens, they say. Or bad things will happen.
The television will make your eyes go square.
Masturbation will make you go blind.
Be good, Santa won’t come.
Don’t pull faces, when the wind changes you will be forever stuck.
If you’re not quiet the bogeyman will get you.
Laugh before breakfast and it will end in tears before dinner.
She that pricks bread with fork or knife will never be a happy maid or wife.
Stepping on ants brings rain.
The white bird foretells death.
-Thom
The Simplest Things (three short short stories)
Always Remember To Eat Your Greens
My mum always tried to make sure that I ate my greens, and so naturally, I hated eating my greens. I don’t think it was because of the taste, or because they were horrible and difficult to chew (I was, and still remain, a fan of leeks), but because my parents made a big point about making sure that I ate my greens. It became a game between us, with her and a younger version of me trying to outwit the other over the consumption of vegetables (that, looking back, were probably good for me anyway). I honestly think that if my parents actively encoraged me to play videogames or watch television, I wouldn’t gone completly against them and refused to (or perhaps I would realise that they were trying to double bluff me). Once I drew all over some chocolate with a green felt tip pen and insisted that the chocolate were my greens for that day, and then proceeded to stuff my face, claming that I had my ration of greens for that day. She was pretty annoyed.
Always Remember To Talk To Strangers
There have been many, many times when I regret not talking to strangers (as opposed to the other way around). I’ve made several friends by simply striking up conversation in the most random of places - on the train, at a gig, or while shooting zombies in the face in a videogame with complete strangers. However, there are also times when opportunities present themselves and I stay silent, either due to shyness, nervousness or tiredness. On the way back from visiting some friends this weekend, I proceeded to do what I always did on long train journeys - break out my iPod and listen to my current favourite album. There was a girl sitting opposite, and we exchanged shy smiles before I thought, fuck it, let’s try strking up a conversation. I turned off my iPod, and then stared out of the window for a while. By the time I looked back, she had taken out her own iPod and was listening to it intently. Fuck.
Always Remember To Put Yourself First
I had a conversation with a guy well into his sixties on Skype who I used to podcast with (about videogames, who would’ve guessed) a couple of weeks ago. He lamented to me that he still behaves in ways to please his strict father, even though his father passed away several years ago. He recounts to me several times when choices he made were not the choices that he had wanted to make, but rather the ones that would please his father the most. I related. Since I grew up with relatively strict parents, I grew up trying to please my parents, sometimes to the extent that I would do things which I would otherwise not have done (sometimes I’m glad that I did, other times not so much). However recently my dad has become incredibly liberal (partly due to the death of my mother), essentially allowing my younger brother to do what he liked (a freedom I would’ve relished, but probably ultimately wasted). Nowadays he makes a point that when I tell him of my accomplishments, although he’s happy for me, my accomplishments are my own and I shouldn’t do things for him. Originally I was really happy for the independence, but more recently I have been feeling lost, as without my father’s direct instructions, my life has begun to lose direction.
I guess I should always remember to eat my greens, because otherwise I’ll never know the taste of pudding.
- Simon x
Week five theme
Always Remember to Eat Your Greens
*news*
We welcome Ms. Nuara Choudhury who has taken over Sunday for us, now we have someone for every day of the week! Horray!
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